This Just In

Woman who is labeled 'independent' all her life still really cares what others think of her, turns out.

This just in.

I’ve had an epiphany.

Woman who is labeled 'independent' all her life still really cares what others think of her, turns out.

It’s been hitting me lately how deeply I factor in the opinions of others. More accurately, my assumptions of their opinions. For someone with such a big mouth and a contrarian streak, I hadn’t realized it was still possible to want the approval of others so badly, but here I find myself anyway.

A few months ago, a stranger posted her mostly negative thoughts about me on you YouTube page for her very large audience to see. I’d like to say that I’ll stop talking about this soon, but the ripple effect of this woman’s words have continued to bleed out in ways that I never could have predicted. In fact, I may look back on that… asteroid hitting my earth as one of those pivotal moments in one’s life. Up there with moving to a new city. Taking a big risk. Meeting someone who will be in your life forever.

It surprises me too. But it really has been that big of a deal. I think about it every single day.

And it’s not so much what she said that, but in the aftermath, there have been literal, tangible changes to my life. And there have also been emotional, interior ones. But both continue to weave into each other on an almost daily changing new perception of myself.

To name is plainly, I’ve recently gained a lot of followers on TikTok.

The sentence itself makes my chest tighten.

At time of publishing 20,361.

(funny how in some circles, that’s a drop in the bucket, but relatively speaking, that’s a lot)

What a silly thing. How many of the deadly sins could be reflected in such a hobby. Influencers of what? The girls who take too many selfies and speak in hyperbole and move in consumerism. It’s all just so embarrassing.

Then why am I having so much fun?

A lifelong yapper given a big ol mic? Yes, please.

A corner of the internet like a treehouse in your backyard where you collect all of your little treasures, coolest leaves and rocks in a private space that you get to show off to all the neighbor kids.

A chance to re-spark a creative mind that I wondered would ever feel clear again.

To answer back to the insecure voice in my head that said that my earlier creative successes were simply privilege and timing.

The inciting Incident of a few months ago did me a huge, massive, life changing favor. She spoke out loud the meanest things that not even my worst enemy or my own darkest thoughts have never had the balls to say out loud and to my face. And after I heard every single one of her horrible takes, something really wild happened:

I realized I didn’t agree with any of them.

It was almost as if her acknowledgement of my weight, my sex/dating life, my personality, my style, my hair shined a big bright light on all of the very deliberate choices that I’ve made in each of those categories. That I’ve molded into the 32 year old woman that I am today.

And it made me really proud to be me.

So, it opened up this new level of confidence that has led me to another choice: I’m going to lean in. I’m going to take the venom that was spewed at me and turn it into honey.

Silly little girl posting outfits on the internet and sharing parts of this life? You better believe it.

But there’s been something holding me back from owning that decision to truly let it rip and it took me until my morning pages and a cup of coffee earlier this week to land on the why.

A million years ago, after a lifetime of dreaming of a career in fashion, I got the job. Designing for a brand that had shaped me. As the lowest little baby on the totem pole, it would be wildly outrageous to claim that I had much influence or pull in the position I was offered at my job, but the pencil was in my hand. But in those early days of my career, it hit me for the first time that my literal job was meant to be based around the idea of my own opinions. “This type of blouse instead of this one.” “This silhouette is better than that.” And I froze. I couldn’t do it and I quit.

What right did I have to put myself, my thoughts, my opinions, my style at the center?

I see the same behavior in dating. My inability to let the cracks show and stand in front of a man and breathe in and out as myself.

What bravery it would take to put myself, my thoughts, my opinions, my style, my brain, my body, my heart at the center?

I hate how uncomfortable that makes me. And I don’t want to keep living that way. I want to stand at the head of the table and be myself. You like it. You hate it. You don’t even notice I’m there. Great. And I’d like to be able to stay standing there either way.

Anyway.

HERE I AM. A DEEPLY INSECURE WOMAN. HAVING FUN ON THE INTERNET.

You know what? I seriously think that what I’m basically trying to say is… I’m nervous that people are going to laugh at my Outfit of the Day posts. Oh man. Get over yourself, Julia.

I kindly invite you to join in on this new journey. And if you’d rather not, well, then this is a perfect opportunity for me to try really, really hard not to care.

Thanks for reading.