I love being single.

Today. Sometimes. It's a mixed bag. But definitely today.

I’m a little bit of an expert in singleness. I famously (in my own mind) have never been in a relationship and therefore never been in romantic love. This bothers me on a lot of days, raises questions on most days, feels normal every day, but also is absolutely wonderful a lot of the time.

I decided a handful of years ago that I didn’t ever want to be the sad, bitter girl on Valentine’s Day. There are no winners in that approach and not only would I be ruining a perfectly good day in February for myself, but I’d probably be making my attitude other people’s problem too.

When really examining my feelings, I realized that any level of sadness I’d ever felt on February 14th truly never came from not having a boyfriend/partner/husband by my side. I realized that it just came from feeling left out of the party in general. Which was great news, because that’s a totally fixable problem. All I had to do was just invite myself to the party anyway. Whether I’m having pasta and a martini at home, grabbing drinks with other single friends or treating myself to some form of self care, I decided that I always get to celebrate Valentine’s Day too. And though the chosen activity might change on any given year, the heart of my Valentine’s Day stays the same: what a wonderful opportunity to be grateful to love and be loved in this life.

Today in particular, I woke up thinking about how much I love my other single friends. The group seems to gets smaller and smaller every year, but these are people who intimately know the experience of living life on their own. They know the challenges and beauty that come with that experience. They are the people who get ‘it’ in a magical, sparkly understanding that beautifully, eventually fades when they find themselves in a loving relationship.

But for now, today, their friendship is a lifeline and a secret handshake. It is a sisterhood and a shared burden. It is the fun and the fear of life without a tether. It is a backpack filled with the heaviness of hope being passed back and forth on a hike where neither of us knows the ending.

Mid skincare routine this morning, my brain involuntarily started feeding me a few of the reasons why I love being single. They started coming to me easily and quickly and I wrote a few down:

Before you come at me, let me tell you that you will be the most annoying person on the planet if you point out that any of these things can also be done in a relationship. I’m sure they can. If these still apply in a your relationship, congratulations. That is so not the point. Arguably, literally all of these could apply while being in a relationship. But the implications are different when you’re single and you know it.

A few reasons why I love being single:

1. Not talking. I love being silent. I love that right now, sitting on my couch, it’s been hours since I made a sound. And I’m not being rude! I’m simply alone.

2. Watching whatever I want on tv. Like really. Whatever I want. For as long as I want.

3. Dinner for 1 at a restaurant. I don’t do this as often as I should, but it always leaves me feeling empowered and that anything is possible.

4. Flirting with strangers. Yes. Contrary to popular belief, I flirt. And I do it all the time. With anyone I want. And I get to do it in a non creepy way. Because I’m single! It feels amazing.

5. The shoes on my feet. I bought it. The clothes I'm wearing. I bought it. The rock I'm rocking. I bought it. I could continue, but you get it. Money. It’s all mine that I earned myself. Which is something I’m super proud of. (Well, arguably, from my religion’s perspective, it’s all God’s, but you know what I mean. Just let me have this.)

6. Eating cold pieces of last night’s steak right out of the fridge with my fingers. Like a total barbarian.

7. Sleeping alone is absolutely glorious.

And this was just the list I came up with this morning! Give me more time and I could find a non disgusting way to talk about how I get to fart and burp and pee with door open!

The more I thought about it, the more I also wanted to know what my other magical single friends loved about their singleness. I knew if I asked them, they would have quick answers. So I texted them.

Of course, their answers were moving and funny and wonderful. This is what a few of them said:

Alyssa, Incredible hair and quick to laugh

“I like being single and keeping my parents on their toes wondering how their favorite daughter hasn’t found someone yet.

My friendships are also really important to me and being single has allowed me to live with my best friends and build these strong relationships that make my life so much better.”

Mariah, authentic and a great listener

“I LOVE when I’ve gotten ready and just feel particularly confident & walk into a room and sense the attention of one or a few men. Totally reading into what could totally mean nothing or could mean something - their stares or the way they said hello or asking what my name is (even though I probably asked for theirs first). It’s just fun to have the freedom to flirt & assume everyone is flirting with me I guess!!!!

Life is already complex enough so enjoying (while I can) the freedom of my decision making, mostly being up to just myself - plans for the future, aesthetic decisions for my space, what I cook, how I spend my money, taking whatever trip I want to when I want to.

Lastly - I’m so grateful for a little extra space & time to work out some inner stuff that could’ve made a relationship much harder had I not AT LEAST BEGUN to deal with things ahead of the relationship/marriage. Therapy, discovering things about myself, taking closer friendships serious enough to work out the hard stuff that comes up & learning about myself & relationship from that. Etc.”

Calli, a smile that lights up a room and so, so loyal

“1. FREEDOM to do whatever I want whenever I want
2. The ability to flirt with whoever I want with 0 repercussions”

Alex, the best freckles and whip smart

“I love that being single has me constantly meeting new people that test my interests and expand my realm of possibilities. I discover new hobbies, restaurants, lifestyles, perspectives. Some I agree with, some I don’t, some never occurred to me! But it gives me a broader perspective that I think makes me more understanding and compassionate of the world.”

Erin, creative talent coming out of the ears

“Freedom. Highly value my freedom and the space to exist without the weight of someone else’s emotional restrictions. But I think that’s just me valuing not being in a very unhealthy relationship. Being single is 1000000x better than that hands down.

I also love being able to dream for my own life without encumbrance.

I love all the time I have for deep friendships and doing fun things with them, and the time for making art.”

Lis, the definition of class and culture, currently happily traveling solo in Europe

“No one is stealing your covers in the middle of the night, but besides that, I am grateful to have the opportunity to really build my life and my happiness and my security first outside of a relationship. I love getting to be proactive to build a life that I love and to keep growing - yes, in some part, in preparation to be a complete human before I do meet someone that I want to be with in the future.

Also, I hate the word ‘single.’ I prefer to keep myself from becoming a label and I’d rather embrace an abundance mindset.”

Caleb, life of the party and a human male, of all things

“I love being single to be honest. I’m available. You want to go get a glass of wine at 2pm? Meet you there. You need me to watch the kids for a night or two? Uncle slumber party coming right up. Short on cash? All good - I have no dependents except myself, just tell me how much you need.

While a romantic relationship allows the opportunity for a really beautiful depth with a person, being a single adult allows me to spread my relationships wide. I not only get to, but am encouraged to be selfish in the care and cultivation of myself. The better version of myself I can become the better I am for the world, my friends, my family and maybe even one day for a love. My expression of love gets to look different and full of variety. I love it.”

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At this point, Valentine’s Day is about thirty minutes from being over.

I pause from typing and think of the thousands of ways this day looked for any given person.

I’m smiling at the thought of the thrill of uncovered secret admirers, the comedy and comfort in long-lasting commitment and the bubbly feeling that people describe when they love someone so much they feel it physically in their skin.

I’m thinking of all of the men in the flower shop today. I want to know all of their stories. I want to see pictures of each recipient of each bouquet and I want to hear about the first time they ever talked.

Briefly, I think of the people who make fun of Valentine’s Day or make a point to brag about how they don’t celebrate it. Those people bother me. I start to get internally riled up about why on earth some people have such a hard time just having fun with life and playing along for the hell of it? And then I decide to leave them behind to stew in their own grumpy little crockpot of misery and apathy.

Squinting my eyes tightly, I think of anyone who feels sad today. I wish I could give them a hug. And invite them over. And distract them and make them laugh. And feed them dinner. And tell them that they’re wonderful. And that I get it. And that it sucks.

In a minute, I’m going to get up from this couch. I’ll refluff the pillows and carry my cup to the sink. I’ll turn off all of the lights and walk down the hall. I’ll get in bed. And like a small part of me does every night, I’ll wonder, silently, if I’ll ever get the chance to miss the days when I slept alone.