Some people talk about how humans only turn to God in a time of desperation or need.
Same with me and this Substack, I fear.
What an odd time to come to the written word when all there is to say is nothing but terror, but I find myself yearning for a place to let it all hang out when I feel that I, offline, am letting it all hang out.
What a weird few months it as been.
What a weird year it has been.
And as a matter of fact, what an odd place to find myself in life.
Right behind me, as I type, are two drawings of my sister and myself as little girls, done in graphite. Both in doily collared dresses, our cherubic smiles hung up on the wall, blessing our office. I say this with full confidence and zero apology: I was an adorable child. The drawing conveys this well. Little blonde curls. Big blue eyes. Chubby cheeks. Legend has it, funny and clever. Mischievous and perceptive.
I’d kill to know what she’d say about my life as a 32 year old woman.
Today, frizzy dyed blonde hair tied back in a clip. Blue eyes a little more weary and a little less bright. Chubby cheeks remain forever.
To be clear, my tone today is not defeatist. It is a bit resigned, yes, but in a way that, as the internet would put it, is more “LOL” than “RIP”
I’ve been reflecting over the last week or so that these last few months have really been a trip. The lineup of events is something I can’t stop talking about when people ask me “What’s new?” because no matter how many times I list off the highlights from the last month, I almost can’t believe them myself. Which has brought me to today. A day in which I just shared with everyone in my office: “I don’t know if I like how many people are mad at me.”
The timeline begins in FEBRUARY
Catalytic converters are stolen off of my car over the cover of night
Necessary facts:
Stolen from my Hybrid vehicle (turns out these catalytic converters hold more value)
Car was parked in front of the home I’d lived in for 4+ years without incident
Was told by the cop that placed the report (for insurance claim) that “once this happens once, they often come back because they know you just got them replaced.” CLEVER! But jokes on them bc I was moving soon.
Car took 4 weeks to repair because the man I took my car to had a sudden death in the family and had to leave the country for weeks, leaving him and my car unreachable.
Moved out of my apartment
Necessary facts
100% my choice. NET positive.
However, I really loved that apartment
Moving is hard (emotional)
Moving is hard (physical)
Moving is expensive (expensive)
Swore up and down that I wouldn’t be leaving that apartment until I was married
Am not married
Gut punch
Lived with my parents for a few weeks, which was absolutely fine and wonderful, but also simply made the moving process feel way longer and more uncomfy
Attacked by unhinged woman on the internet
Necessary Facts
ICYMI - woman with hundreds of thousands of followers and even more haters decided she really didn’t like the way I existed in the world and posted a 10 minute rant about how much she hated me on her YouTube to her hundreds of thousands of followers
Ouch. Mean.
Weird. Why?
I posted a “response” (basically just an acknowledgement of her rant) on my TikTok and that video got 1 millions views
Gained 10k followers on TikTok ?
Most bizarre experience of my life
Unfortunate work situation
Necessary facts
Will be keeping this one vague, but… we all have incredibly awkward, unfortunate and embarrassing things happen at the hands of technology (i.e. sending an email to the wrong person, butt dialing someone and having them hear something they weren’t supposed to, thinking you’re texting one person and accidentally texting someone else… etc.)
It’s not a matter of if something like this will happen to you, but more when.
In short, it’s made a mostly positive working relationship quite uncomfortable.
Decided to leave my Bible Study group at the end of the year
Necessary facts
Love this group
It’s scheduled on Wednesdays from 9-11:30am.
Unfortunate, considering those are famously working hours
My very hardworking father (boss) allowed me to go this last year even though taking off any work time to do anything for oneself is completely against his code of ethics
He no longer feels that that loss of time has a strong enough ROI, so he’s asked me to stop going
Annoying, but fair, considering he is my boss and it was generous of him to allow that time to begin with
Feels like a loss of community and spiritual growth
Major bummer
Catalytic converters are stolen off of my car over the cover of night AGAIN
Necessary facts:
Yes. Again.
Hybrid catalytic converters are just as valuable in my new neighborhood as they were in my old one.
Car was parked in front of the home I’d just moved into
Car at the shop. Again.
RIP Angel Energy
Necessary Facts
Been taking this strength / pilates / aerobic workout called Angel Energy since last July
Absolutely obsessed
Have been going 4x a week
Have made friends
Have grown stronger
Have learned a lot
Have never been this excited to workout
Have seen results
Owner/Instructor (who I now think of as a friend) has decided to pause the class indefinitely
We support a woman taking care of her own needs!
Another major bummer / loss of community and muscle growth
Roommate moves in
Necessary Facts
Let me be clear: this is not a negative
However, it will be a big adjustment
I’ve lived alone for 4+ years and could only afford to move into a larger place with a roommate
NET Positive (bc it’s allowing me to move into my new home) but just feels… new and challenging.
Honorable mention
Had to get all four tires replaced
Did I mention how expensive moving is?
Find myself back on the dating apps
Working SO HARD to have a good attitude and a more positive perspective, but man, they don’t make it easy
A few other worky things… realizing that in high end construction, people love to blame. And if they’re not blaming, they’re avoiding. And when you’re the one in charge of the project, they love to blame and avoid you. Which is tiring. Hard to decipher if that’s something that I can help with a change in my behavior, or if it’s just the nature of the biz. In any case, it results in people being upset / disappointed / frustrated / angry at you. Oftentimes for things are so incredibly out of your control. Which I’m not sure that I love feeling on a fairly regular basis.
I miss my old walk route. Small thing. But bummer.
I’d like to make cookies and introduce myself to my neighbors, but I’m a little resentful of the fact that none of them have made cookies and introduced themselves to me first.
Friends who are struggling. Freaking shoot.
Baby showers wedding showers children’s birthday parties
I feel highly overwhelmed by the presence of technology, specifically text messages, in my life. Nice texts, work texts, funny texts, emotional texts. I’d like to throw my phone away. Please don’t be mad at me if it takes me a few days to text you back.
The state of the world… something that, though at the near bottom of such a long list of complaints, is at the front of my mind daily. What can we do? Should I be doing more? Am I getting it right? This doesn’t feel complicated at all? But is somehow being seen sooo differently by people who, I truly believe, are all mostly doing their best and feel justified in their beliefs.
Can we acknowledge that all of that is just sort of a lot? A lot to handle over a few months? And so random? So many random things!
This felt good to type. All highly solvable problems. None of which, urgent. I am safe. I am loved. I am going to eat leftover beef stroganoff for lunch. Oops. It’s 3:00. I am going to eat leftover beef stroganoff for dinner. My skin looks nice today.
I will now send this all out to you. And instantly wonder if that was the right call. But I think it is. I find specificity and honesty as some of the most comforting things. Hopefully, you’re disgusted by my self indulgence in this post. If you are, I think that means you are not relating to the woes of an ordinary life and are somewhere with tanned upper arms, eating a cookie in the sun. Which, I love for you. I aspire to the same. Or maybe you have way bigger problems and are feeling angry at the callousness of my privilege. Trust me, I’m aware. And I’m sorry. I just can only know my life.
Maybe you do relate. Which bums me because I want us all to be thriving. But if you find yourself in the gray middle of an ordinary life, with small potato problems and general stressors of life, I’m here with you. And I encourage you to sit outside for 20 minutes today and take some deep breaths. It’ll all be fine. But it’s okay if it feels like a lot today.
Amazing… so honest… and yes, it’s been ALOT…. Each time you write something, I am reminded what a great writer you are… thanks for sharing, sweets
I just have to say that I really enjoyed the format you wrote this in :)